Wednesday, December 16, 2009

214, Hidayah

I haven't had my blog updated and my previous post was not a proper one as you can see. It was just to make sure that my readers know I'm still here..... The reason behind this is because I had someone special to spent my time with and I didn't want to waste a minute with her.


She has been over since Friday night but I only met her Saturday afternoon.. I was elated to have seen her. I couldn't really control my expression; talking too much. A few weeks ago I met her but this time, I would be able to be with her for 5 days. I have always been excited to meet her. Was even counting the days for her to come, always wanted her to visit Singapore. Always. But that didn't happen frequently. At times, I didn't even get to meet her in a year.

Since I had these 5 days with Dayah here, I was going to treasure it.

We talked longer than we had before. We spent time longer that we ever had before. I was able to do everything with her. Everything. From hair to games to movies to books to friends.. All leading to fun.

And all that ended when she left my house today. Dayah never fails to give me something, usually a letter or a note before we go separate ways. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read her letter, which usually happens, and after I read it, I thought I wasn't going to cry but tears began pouring down my cheeks, which never happens when I usually read her letters. I covered my face with a pillow, in an attempt to either avoid myself from revealing my wet face;crying-but she knew I was- or just to avoid the fact that I was crying and was embarrassed of it. Though, I really didn't know why I was embarrassed. I tried to wipe away those tears and after that, I gave her a hug, a warm hug and told her that I wished she didn't have to go..

Maybe you might think that I am emotional and no, I am. I do get emotional easily. I might have sound desperately emotional when I said "she didn't have to go" cause I sounded like she was really going, going away. We usually contact each other through sms but it would never feel the same. I then realized that my 5 days with her was more than expected, it was more than just 5 normal days but it was short. And I was already crying. Imagining her longer days here, I could be much more hurt. And now, I don't really know if it was good for her to have left..

At the same time, I've been doing a lot of thinking. This really wasn't fair. Neither did Dayah nor I wanted this, we never wanted to be apart, we never asked for it. But it happened, still. Dayah has always been sister. How couldn't I regard her as one when I grew up with her? It hurts me to know that we were given such fate when we never for it. After awhile, Dayah and I did get use to this, we had to accept the fact but it is still not fair. Never been. Imagine being separated with someone who you regard as a sibling, wouldn't it hurt. It does.

After she left, I thought I was going to be okay though I sensed some loneliness. I sneaked into my room and felt myself sobbing silently. I pulled myself together and convinced myself that I was fine. And no, I wasn't. I only realized that after my brother asked if I was fine and I said yes. I only knew I was lying, lying to myself then, after I weeped even further. And now, I have no more tears left. I don't even know what I'm feeling now, how I'm feeling.

I will miss watching movies with Dayah, waking up at 2am or 3am so that we can watch Twilight together, more of wanting to watch Robert Pattison. And I'm glad to have made her extra happy because I brought her to watch New Moon too. But I'm upset with myself at the same time that I didn't treasure the 5 days as much I wanted to treasure it and share it with her. Though, I did love her presence around here.

This is my post for you Dayah, I miss you & I'll always have a sisterly love for you.

So what now?


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